Boundaries

I was thinking about what to write for this week's blog post when I remembered a call I got from my mom. My mom is my primary connection to my family back in New Mexico and she keeps me up to date on how everyone is doing and any important events that have or are happening in the family. My mom has a huge family that I absolutely loved growing up in, even if I said I didn't during my teenage years. It's hard to keep track of everyone and even harder to get along with everyone. With so many people there are also many different opinions and personalities to deal with.

One of the hardest lessons I have learned so far is saying "No" to people, especially family. While my mom's family is huge, we are also surprisingly close. We help each other out when needed and growing up I always knew that as long as I had family around, I would have help with whatever I needed. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what a gift that is and that not everyone is so blessed.

Whether it was intentional or not, I grew up with the idea that you help family out no matter what. As a child, that meant doing as you were told and not arguing. But as an adult, it gets a little more complicated. Sometimes, to take care of someone and help them out, the best thing you can do is tell them "no". It's not easy, but it can be necessary for both your sakes.

With so many different types of people in my family, I got to see early on that some people are takers and some people are givers. The givers want to make everyone else happy and are more than happy to give their time and energy to help out. The takers tend only to be interested in themselves and what they can get out of a situation. We all know people on both sides and you probably know where you fall as well.

In a healthy relationship, there is a flow of giving and taking. You ask for help from the other person and receive it as well as give help when they ask for it. More or less, a healthy relationship stays balanced between give and take. Sometimes, seasons come where you have to give more and others where you take more, but it all balances out in the end. If a healthy relationship is balanced, then an unhealthy relationship is unbalanced.

In an unhealthy relationship, the taker will just keep using the giver until the relationship ends. On the extreme end of things, an unhealthy relationship can be abusive, with the taker doing the abusing. But it's not always that obvious. More often, the taker will use subtle manipulation to get what they want from the giver. "If you really care about me, you'll help me." "You gave to So-and-So, why won't you give to me?" "Doesn't our relationship mean anything to you?"

Most of us have heard some form of these from a taker in our life. If you are a giver, your natural instinct is to help out and give what you can to make the taker feel loved and taken care of. But you have to have clear boundaries in order to protect yourself. Sometimes, that boundary is not lending a certain person money; sometimes, it's not letting someone come to your house. Every situation is different and requires a different boundary. But learning to stick to those boundaries can change your life and your relationships.

So ask yourself, are you a giver or a taker? Do you have firm boundaries in your life?